Welcome to my Book of Mirrors



This is my spiritual journey. I am looking for the truth of who I am and who God is, unfettered by the traditions prescribed by my family, church and culture.

25 February 2008

'I found God in myself and I loved her fiercely.'

Ntozake Shange

Sunday, November 2, 2008

I'm So Gorgeous

After six years of having babies, I am done. And now I truly have my body back (no pregnancy, no breastfeeding) I feel fantabulous. The last time I felt like I looked this good, I was seventeen.

Now I can't believe I was made so beautiful for no reason. I was made to be enjoyed, to be worshiped. I want to be worshiped.

If I could just get over my fear of receiving love, of receiving pleasure. I was raised on the message of self-sacrifice. I am a good giver. But I am a poor receiver. I am embarrassed by compliments, feel guilty accepting gifts.

It could be a result of being taught as a child that I was born fundamentally flawed, inherently corrupt, naturally bent to evil.

Now as a mother, I know that is a lie. My babies are perfect. They were born perfect. It's only the fear they've learned from me that corrupts them.

Now I reject those lies I was taught (by people themselves almost totally controlled by fear). Stress, depression, anger... all come from fear.

But how do I scrape away the residue of those lies? The fear that still grips me? How do I learn to fly, to be free?

How do I remain in the constant awareness of the truth... that I AM?

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